I Think His Mouth Is Still Hanging Open

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Unless you’re from the 1800’s where pregnancy is a natural thing between the ages of 15-18, I have never met any teenager who planned to have a kid this young. In the 21st century, this is something that just happens unexpectedly, and you have to deal with it; however that may be. In most situations, abortion is the go-to option. The girl can’t raise a kid on her own while still in high school, and most of the time, the guy doesn’t want anything to do with a baby, because it would turn his life upside down in “the worst possible way” for him. Now I’m not saying this is the case in every teenage pregnancy, some girls  may have the perfect guy that will be there for her and the baby threw thick and thin.

This isn’t the case in my situation. As you all know by now, I slept with my ex, which means he’s off living his own life and of course wouldn’t want it any other way. So as far he was concerned until I talked to him, his life was going great.

Then, I might as well have slapped him in the face with a baby book.

Working up the courage to tell a guy you’re pregnant (when he’s not your husband & the love of your life), is hard work. Especially for a teenager. You try to plan out the whole situation in your head like you already know what he’ll say and everything that will happen. You want “the talk” to go perfectly. Well you’re wrong. However you think it will end up going, it won’t. Everything will happen completely opposite to what you planned in your head. I myself, had a plan in my head. I was going to talk to my ex in private, show him the ultrasounds, stand there while he got mad and would yell at the universe “why? are you sure? how is this possible??”, and then calmly tell him his options in this situation.

That didn’t happen.

He guessed it. OVER TEXT. I know right? Worst possible way for this type of news to come out, jesus. He could tell something was off that day in class and I refused to tell him because I thought I would try and be mature and have this talk face to face. Well that didn’t happen. He ended up guessing shit and staring at my face until he could tell he guessed right. So I ended up having this huge “I’m pregnant” talk, in my school parking lot…how wonderful. Only having found out a few days prior to me breaking the news to him, I was already 17 weeks along. So not to my surprise, he was shocked. There’s no other words for it, except shocked. He didn’t yell and get mad (like I assumed he would…but we also all know by now that my assumptions are never right), he just stared at me like I was a ghost with a dancing monkey on my head. He just stood there with his mouth hanging open. Until he finally formed words (which were not English by the way). To this day, I still don’t really know what he said/mumbled. He had no idea how to respond to what I had just told him.

So I decided to do all the talking. Given the bad timing and age, and the awkward fact that he was my ex, I told him I was keeping the baby and he could be as involved as he wanted to be. Again, not to my surprise, he immediately said he didn’t want to be involved whatsoever. Some may think this is cowardly of him to say, but I understood it as I was giving him the option. He got accepted to a great University close to his home and his family, and had a plan for his life and job and travelling. I had my own plan that involved moving to a different province, and going to University there. We both had our paths planned out. I’m still making my dream and life happen with a baby; the baby is not stopping me from moving and going to University, it will just require a little more patience and help than I anticipated. But I’m okay with that. So I want the same for him. I truly do want my ex to be happy and pursue his dreams, and if later he decides he wants to be involved, I will let him. In that case though he’s either fully in or fully out. He only gets one leeway girls, we can’t be too nice. But for the meantime, I’m happily giving him the choice because it is such shocking news that really does change everything. It’s a huge responsibility, but it’s something I know I can do, with or without a man by my side.

For any of you girls in the same situation as me, at least with the part of the guy not wanting to be involved, I want you all to know that you can do this. We are smart, mature, and independent and we don’t need a man by our side to help us accomplish what seems like the impossible curveballs life throws at us. All we have to do is have confidence in ourselves and know that we will get through this and come out the other end stronger than ever. There is nothing in this world that is stopping us from being amazing mothers, so control your fears, build your self-esteem, radiate positivity, and the world will be yours. 

(P.S- Kevin Hart is not the father of my child for any of those wondering.)

One Night Stand

One night stands. Those three cringe worthy words are what most girls hate to be associated with. No one wants to admit that they were just a “one night stand”. We want to be loved, cared for and wanted…for more than one night. That is, in the case where we’re not sleeping with our ex. Sleeping with your ex is a whole different take on what a “one night stand” means. It usually has an end result of taking the walk of shame home the next day, pondering over the thought of why you would do such a thing, and vowing to yourself that it was a one time thing and it will never happen again. After all, he is your ex, and it was just a ONE time thing. After that night, you’ll never have to see that guy again! Phew!

But then something changes that…

The missed period. (Again, three cringe worthy words.)

I think all of us girls can agree that a missed period after sleeping with an ex is the worst thing that could ever happen to us, right? Wrong. Having your doctor tell you you’re pregnant is the worst. At first, we weren’t gonna freak out about this whole “missed period thing”, we were just going to hope and pray for the best. But apparently god isn’t into answering prayers lately, because as much as I shouted, that damn test still turned up positive.

So now I’m stuck in a rut. I slept with my ex, I took the walk of shame, I vowed to never do it again, and now I’m tied to this guy forever through a kid? You have got to be kidding me. Yes, I’m aware that sleeping with an ex is not the smartest move that I could’ve made, but now I’m being punished by being tied to his ass for the rest of my life? There’s a reason he’s my ex! Hello! Clearly god wasn’t thinking straight when he was writing my damn life story. But then again…neither was I when I slept with my ex, so I guess I can’t really blame him. Shit.

Sleep & Starbucks

Being a busy high school student, I tend to slack off on important tasks that need to be done daily…like my birth control pills. Whether I didn’t have them on me at the time of day I was supposed to take them, or I didn’t have a drink to down them with, or I just told myself “I’ll take it in 10 mins”, I always seemed to miss taking them some days. Now anyone taking birth control pills knows how bad this is to do!! You’re all probably shaking your heads at me right now, which I am currently doing to myself as well.

Perhaps if I was actually persistent with my pills and didn’t push them away, I wouldn’t be pushing a baby out of me soon?

Either way, I sucked at it, and now I’m the one paying for it. I didn’t have many signs that indicated that I was pregnant, but sex and a missed period is a pretty big sign. A sign I ignored that is. (Don’t ever ignore signs people, it will come back and bite you in the ass). I just assumed that the stress from school and not taking my pills everyday was screwing up my cycle. I avoided taking a pregnancy test because I told myself I couldn’t be pregnant. Boy was I wrong. When my annual doctors appointment finally came around, I got the lovely news that I was carrying a child in me. And I had been for the past 17 weeks.

SEVENTEEN WEEKS?! 

“How on earth could you not realize you were pregnant within those 17 weeks??”, some of you may being telepathically asking me right now. Well, I’ll tell you how.

No morning sickness, and denial my friends.

Although, the more I thought about it, the more everything started to make sense. The laziness and wanting to sleep all the time, the constant cravings (especially Starbucks; which I had almost everyday), the mood swings, the excruciating and unbearable leg cramps in the middle of the night, and of course having to pee…ALL THE TIME!! Again, with my (bad) assumptions, I just assumed that I wanted to sleep all the time cause that’s all any teenager ever wants to do, the cravings were due to the stress of school (stress eating is a real thing people!), the mood swings were because people don’t know how to not piss me off apparently, and those god awful leg cramps? I thought after three years of not growing an inch, I had growing pains and it was finally my time to be tall! Again…I was very wrong. I will never be tall and I just have to accept that. And the peeing, I thought having to pee all the time was because I drink A LOT of water.

Now I believe we can all learn a very valuable lesson from me right now; Don’t assume shit. Because you are wrong. And you will end up paying for it. 

The Moment It All Became Real

When does the fact that I’m carrying a child become real? 

Countless times I’ve heard this from people who have just found out they’re pregnant, and now I was the one asking this question. Yes, you can receive the news that you are pregnant from your doctor, but that doesn’t suddenly just change everything and you’re like “Oh my god! I have a child in me! I can already feel it kicking!” No no. That is not how things work in situations like this. For most, after receiving the news, there are tears, and a lot of them. Whether they are tears of joy or tears of “are you fucking kidding me? my life is over”, crying is pretty much a guaranteed fact of something that will happen. But crying doesn’t make it real either people. It won’t make you suddenly feel the baby in your stomach, and it won’t make it magically disappear if this is something you didn’t want.

The moment it all becomes real is the ultrasound. The moment that you’re laying in a hospital gown on a small bed with a weird lady pouring warm gel (the movie’s lied people, the gel is warm not cold), on your belly, is the moment that everything starts to become real. Looking up at the TV hanging above the bed as the ultrasound starts to show up on the screen you start to think…”what the fuck am I supposed to be looking at?? Is that little blob supposed to be my baby? Excuse me ma’am, I think my baby is missing it’s left leg and it’s whole body. All I see is a circle that you call a head!” 

Patience is required while getting an ultrasound. While you lay there and watch the TV screen as different parts of the body appear, you begin to realize that this is real. These body parts of another human being are inside of you and will continue to grow. Then suddenly it appears. The head, the body, the feet, you can suddenly see it all and all your thoughts of “when will this become real?” have now been answered. This is the moment it becomes real for you.

Even though you can’t physically see and hold your baby, seeing it through an ultrasound gives you the clarity and the reality of this situation, something that every soon to be mom needs. It is proof that you are growing a miracle inside of you and now, your body is not only your body. Everything you do to your body, you are doing to your baby’s body. Whether it is the way you are working out or the food that you are eating, everything you now do affects your baby. (I mean, the eating part isn’t so bad though, because now you get to eat more food and not feel bad about yourself for it).

Pregnancy is a crazy and scary, but wonderful journey, and even though I didn’t plan to have a baby this young, it is now my life. It becomes more and more real everyday and it’s happening. Everyday I can only move forward and hope for the best. I advise anyone who is pregnant and didn’t plan for it, to do the same. Only move forward and hope for the best, because that’s all you can do. Stay positive and know that everything happens for a reason. You may not know your reason and why this is happening to you know when you didn’t want it or you had a different plan, but life is crazy and in the end, everything will work out to how it was meant to be. So don’t stress, just breathe, and take it day by day.

You are creating a miracle. You are special. You can do this.