“When I see your heavens, the work of your fingers,

the moon and stars that you set in place—

What is man that you are mindful of him,

and a son of man that you care for him?” Psalm 8:4-5

This verse’s gentle knock echoed through my mind as I waited for our black and white pup to resurface at the back door. I had been laying comfortably in bed the other night, enjoying the relaxation of my sore muscles after weight-lifting earlier, when Olympia rushed into my room, whining and staring holes into my head. I proceeded to peel myself from the comfy covers and let her out back. Before closing the door though, I caught sight of the sky-smoky indigo velvet with miniature rhinestone stars shimmering in its depths. Its vastness and beauty touched a chord in my heart as I silently contemplated the view. I remembered my Dad’s words when he shared exciting facts from a podcast episode about the unimaginable number of stars, galaxies, and planets in the universe. When he explained the math, I felt incredibly puny-one of billions on a planet that is the equivalent of a grain of sand in the boundless beaches of space. As I rested my gaze on the night sky, that feeling of smallness and insignificance overwhelmed my heart again. How hard it was to believe, in that moment, that God cares about me, thinks about me, and watches over my life.

            And I’m going to be honest with you, the temptation to doubt this has been a particular struggle for me recently. It’s just hard to believe that this cosmic Creator of the universe’s immensity really cares about me…small, itty-bitty me who doesn’t do much and isn’t significantly grand or good. I wish I could firmly believe that He is really there, earnestly enthralled with every detail of my life and utterly in love. But, instead of this, I often feel alone, not special…irrelevant. The impulse to distrust God’s personal concern for my life has been aggravated especially by a recent breakup. I can’t even call it a breakup up really; I was only dating this young man briefly after all. But to me he was important and unique-a valuable gem that I had discovered sparkling in the sands. I wanted to cherish him, but he did not want to cherish me, and the pain that inflicted cut deeply. The peace I had felt around building a relationship with him was unfounded. He was not God’s answer to my prayers. He was instead another wound to add to the few that I bear so far and the many that are still destined to come. And that feels so, so disheartening. On top of this, I recently downloaded social media again and seeing all of my friends and acquaintances recently married, in relationships, or having children made me feel even more neglected by God and unworthy of love. Why is it that I can’t seem to enter into those phases of life too? What is wrong with me? Does God care…have I simply been lost in the shuffle?

            Today is Christmas, and it’s been lovely. Lovely to spend time with my amazing family. Lovely to exchange gifts. Lovely to enjoy relaxation and stillness. But, beneath this heart-warming cheer, the feeling of being insignificant and alone casts a cold shadow that nothing can quite erase. Nonetheless, the Nativity story has been a reminder to me that God still works in the small, insignificant, and messy parts of life. His Son was born to a poor peasant family in a stable, far from home and surrounded by beasts. That is what He chose. Not because He rejoices in suffering, but because He wants to share in our pains and teach us that it is not grandeur or perfection that earns His attention. He is not like us in that way. He loves our littleness and finds worth in each of us despite our poverty. He sees you in your smallness, brokenness, and suffering.

If you are in a similar stage of singleness, I know that it is hard and I am sorry. Like me, you may be inclined to believe that God isn’t very concerned for your life and doesn’t actually have a good plan for you. But I continue to try to trust in Him and in His Providence and I encourage you to also try to trust in His timing. Even if it feels impossible. There is a God of Love looking down on you who wants nothing more than what is best for your life. So, I encourage you, do not lose faith and do not let your confidence in God’s love grow dim. Becoming a mature and holy adult necessitates accepting reality for what it is, even when it is not perfectly conformed to our desires. And remember, no matter who rejects you, God WILL NEVER abandon you. Maybe sometime I will meet someone who perceives the same value in me that I see in him. In the meantime, I refuse to lose my joy and trust. The God who numbers even the hairs of our heads is concerned for each one of us, no matter how small or alone we may feel.

“Yet you have made him little less than a god,

crowned him with glory and honor.

You have given him rule over the works of your hands,

put all things at his feet.” Psalm 8:6-7

XO, Ella