The power of art in reversing body negativity
The soft, muffled patter of my black ballet flats was the only audible sound as I circled the halls of the Fine Arts building for the umpteenth time. It was the first day of my Spring semester, and, in true Ella-fashion, I had arrived extra early. The sky was still a velvety black during the chilly walk from my car only ten minutes ago. Finally, at the end of a brightly lit corridor (that I had already traversed), I was relieved to see “Drawing I” inscribed in bold black lettering. “How could I have missed it?” I lugged my giant bag of brand-new art supplies through the door and was enthusiastically greeted by a petite Asian woman with short, jet-black hair. She introduced herself as my professor and directed me to take a seat on one of the wooden drawing horses assembled around the room. Her friendly countenance put my nerves at ease, and we were soon chatting away. But, this peace just as soon evaporated when I heard the words “self-portrait” fall from her mouth. I could immediately feel the muscles around my chest constrict like scaly serpent’s coils. “You will be drawing quick self-portraits today!” my professor exclaimed, “then, at the end of the semester you will draw another one. They will help us see your progress! You will need your large drawing pad, pencils, and charcoals.” Staring at my face in a mirror and drawing it was just about the last thing that I wanted to do. Let me draw a chair, someone else’s face, a bird, my backpack? ANYTHING!!! Except myself.
But why?
Like many girls and women, I had struggled with a negative body image ever since I first became conscious of my body as something that other people perceive. At one of its worst points, I even believed that I had acromegaly-a condition that causes the enlargement of bodily tissues. This leads to symptoms like thickened fingers and an overgrown jaw and nose. To my eyes, my fingers were swollen, knotty branches, my nose a tuberous growth, and my chin Wicked Witch of the West worthy. And don’t even let me get started on what I thought of my lanky, sinewy body! Even though I was perhaps on the extreme end of the negative body image spectrum, I have observed that almost all women are affected by unrealistic beauty standards to some degree. Ironically, most, including myself, seem to idolize the bodily and facial features that are completely opposite of their natural appearance. If we are curvy, we want to be slender, if we are skinny, we want Monroe curves, etc. etc. So, as I hunched below the classroom’s towering ceiling, watching the blackness outside transfigure into sunny blue, I resigned myself to the upcoming torture.
The rest of the students slowly trickled in and soon, fourteen faces stared into fourteen small square mirrors. Of course, my reflection was a familiar sight, but I had never looked at my face as an artist before. And what I mean by “as an artist” is looking at something as an assembly of colors and shapes, shadows and lights. The beheld becomes no longer what it is. I took in my purple under eyes, textured skin, and soon my charcoal-stained fingers flitted across the paper’s milky white surface. From the eyes to the mouth…to the chin…to the nose. But, as my artist’s eye measured the sizes and contours of my features, I was truly surprised. “My nose is wider than that, I know it is!” But no matter how much I looked at it, in comparison to my features, it was not so large as my mind believed. Soon, a timer blared and our hands went still. The fourteen faces that now stared back at us were enclosed within the sepulcher of our drawing pads again and class moved on.
I couldn’t help thinking, after class and for days later, that the face on my paper wasn’t monstrous. It looked quite normally human in fact. “Was that really me?” Weeks passed, days lengthened, and soon I could walk to class in sun-dresses, relishing the warm, moist air of early morning. A few weeks out from semester’s end, my professor announced our last assignment: the final self-portrait. We would be completing it at home. She wanted us to be creative-to make it meaningful and impactful in some way. I knew exactly what I wished to focus on. The self-portrait exercise had been a first axe-blow to the life-sucking weed of bodily shame that entangled my thoughts for years. Many other factors played a role in chipping away at its massive stem, but nothing so much as looking at my face from the viewpoint of an artist.
Pale sunlight poured in through the window, making my little jar of paint water shine crystal-like. I clicked open my box of watercolors and placed a square mirror at the front of my table. Staring at my face, I took in the large warm eyes, prominent cheekbones, pointy cupid’s bow. My watery brush flitted from the mouth…to the chin…to the nose. And not once did I look at myself with disgust. I saw a woman’s face, my face, and was happy to call it my own.
Looking back at both of these pieces, the most important growth that I can see is an observable change and re-direction in my self-perception. In my first portrait, I hadn’t realized how much fear and sadness came through in my expression. I had loathed staring at myself in the mirror, and that certainly shined through! Moreover, my eyes, which often looked small to me, are more accurately presented as large in my second self-portrait. At the center of the image, a little boat sailing into the sunrise represents leaving behind the shame and negativity that I had battled for years…making an about-face. There are certainly days when I still battle storms and waves that batter me back, but comfort with my face and body steadily continues to progress. For anyone who also struggles with a negative body image, art can be a powerful tool in battling this. In a future post, I will share another way in which it can help us overcome body negativity. But for now, whether you are artistic or not, consider trying your hand at a self-portrait or two. Calm your mind and let your eyes rest on each feature. You may be surprised by what you see.
xo, Ella
P.S. Here is a link to a beautiful video that also shows the power of art in transforming people’s self-perception!